adios.

So today's the big day. Uh, Rachel? You don't leave until Wednesday... I know. But today is the last day of goodbyes. I hate goodbyes. They're awkward. The hardest thing for me has been realizing that in reality, nobody here really needs me. They're all going to be just fine without me. Their lives are not going to stand still just because I left. And the worst part is, whatever effect I did have on their life will be replaced by something else. When I come home, I won't fit into anyone's schedule anymore. I may not be needed at all. I really have no control over that. Now, because I know that many of you love me and choose to have me in your lives, I know that you will quickly adjust your schedules and fit me back in. But at the same time, there is a little sliver of doubt. Maybe they'll decide they're better off without me. Maybe they'll find a better friend or confidant--somebody funnier, more available, cuter, more patient.


The point is. Everything is up in the air for me right now. I am about to relinquish any controls I have on my position in life. I may no longer be able to get the grades I want. Communicate what I want. Hang out with who I want. Eat what I want. Everything that I was used to controlling in my life is no longer going to be able to be controlled by me. Right about now in this thought process is where I start to panic, when the Holy Spirit ever so gently reminds me..."God's still in control. Don't you trust Him? Don't you really want to be wherever He wants you, anyway? So why does it matter if you lose all your controls? Trust Him. Go where He puts you. Be who He shapes you to be."