Death. It's such a creepy thing.
Creepy because it's unknown.
Creepy because it can look so ugly.
Creepy because of the hurt it leaves behind.
It's also awkward sometimes because sometimes it is a good thing but it feels awkward to celebrate. And sometimes you're not sure if it was good or not. Sometimes it is easier. But it's awkward to admit that.
My mom's dad just died. Not existing anymore is a strange concept. I've seen him; I've touched him; he was real; I knew he existed. I also rarely saw him and barely knew him. So how will his death change my relationship with him? Well, rarely seeing him will turn into never seeing him. And that's about it.
His death will, however, change my mom's life. I don't know how yet because I don't really understand their relationship. It certainly isn't similar to my relationship with my dad. If my dad died, I'd be one big tear drop falling like a rain drop from high up in the sky. Because I'd be filled with sadness and afraid of the future without my dad. But my mom has been very open about not feeling especially loved by her dad. I know the way he treated her as a child didn't foster a healthy, close relationship. His distance in her adult life and refusal to learn how to love and be loved didn't help matters much. But he is still her dad and I know she will miss him and be concerned about where his soul is.
I feel an awkward blend of emotions right now and I'm not really sure how to sort them out. I could cry. I could use a long hug. I could smile. I could forget anything even happened. I hurt for my mom, but since I barely understand her situation, I don't know how to hurt either. I'm sad, but I'm also thankful that his struggle is over because his quality of life had been declining for months. I'm angry at him for treating my mom the way he did; I'm tempted not to care about him. But he's my mom's dad and made by the same creator that made me; I have no choice but to value him. He's gone now, how do you value someone who's gone?
You should have valued them when they were still here. Why does death make it easier to value someone? My mom's sacrifice to make several prolonged trips to Texas during his drawn-out death shows her love for him. But what about his death made her make this sacrifice when his life didn't? (Mom, I don't mean to judge or correct you. I'm just musing over the situation. Everyone else lives the same way. I know you take no comfort in the way everyone else also lives though.)
I don't know how to sort out this situation or understand it. I don't know how to act. I don't know what to take away from it. Live each day like it's your last? Always say 'I love you' because you never know when you won't be able to say it anymore? Any of these cliche responses seem applicable. But they will wear off soon enough. And then what?
Creepy because it's unknown.
Creepy because it can look so ugly.
Creepy because of the hurt it leaves behind.
It's also awkward sometimes because sometimes it is a good thing but it feels awkward to celebrate. And sometimes you're not sure if it was good or not. Sometimes it is easier. But it's awkward to admit that.
My mom's dad just died. Not existing anymore is a strange concept. I've seen him; I've touched him; he was real; I knew he existed. I also rarely saw him and barely knew him. So how will his death change my relationship with him? Well, rarely seeing him will turn into never seeing him. And that's about it.
His death will, however, change my mom's life. I don't know how yet because I don't really understand their relationship. It certainly isn't similar to my relationship with my dad. If my dad died, I'd be one big tear drop falling like a rain drop from high up in the sky. Because I'd be filled with sadness and afraid of the future without my dad. But my mom has been very open about not feeling especially loved by her dad. I know the way he treated her as a child didn't foster a healthy, close relationship. His distance in her adult life and refusal to learn how to love and be loved didn't help matters much. But he is still her dad and I know she will miss him and be concerned about where his soul is.
I feel an awkward blend of emotions right now and I'm not really sure how to sort them out. I could cry. I could use a long hug. I could smile. I could forget anything even happened. I hurt for my mom, but since I barely understand her situation, I don't know how to hurt either. I'm sad, but I'm also thankful that his struggle is over because his quality of life had been declining for months. I'm angry at him for treating my mom the way he did; I'm tempted not to care about him. But he's my mom's dad and made by the same creator that made me; I have no choice but to value him. He's gone now, how do you value someone who's gone?
You should have valued them when they were still here. Why does death make it easier to value someone? My mom's sacrifice to make several prolonged trips to Texas during his drawn-out death shows her love for him. But what about his death made her make this sacrifice when his life didn't? (Mom, I don't mean to judge or correct you. I'm just musing over the situation. Everyone else lives the same way. I know you take no comfort in the way everyone else also lives though.)
I don't know how to sort out this situation or understand it. I don't know how to act. I don't know what to take away from it. Live each day like it's your last? Always say 'I love you' because you never know when you won't be able to say it anymore? Any of these cliche responses seem applicable. But they will wear off soon enough. And then what?
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