How to Have a Happy Marriage

I'm thinking about marriage this month.
Our fourth anniversary was two Fridays ago.
It feels like much too small a number to describe the bond between Husband and me.

Some bonding experiences we've gone through over the past FOUR years:
2 homes + 2 babies
3 international trips + 1 minivan
2 couches + 2 beds
(awkward.)
(2 babies makes more sense now.)
(less awkward when i point out that these were free/craigslist bargains?)
(moving on.)

Four feels like an even smaller number when I tell you that today is my grandparent's 57th anniversary.
Fifty. Seventh.
As I told my girl, that's 3 seconds shy of a whole minute!

I'm proud of these two - proud of them not only for the length of time, but also for their method of loving each other. Whether it's the way they bake bread together, their habit of morning devotions and prayer, their care and concern for the other, the way they still smile and hold hands and enjoy each other after fifty seven years - they're a shining and refreshing example to anyone who has the pleasure of observing them.
I love this duo so so much.
So much that apparently, they are a common theme of mine when writing about marriage.
Here's what I wrote about them 2 years ago.

Although our marriage is still in its early years, it has already been happier than I dreamed it could be.

That's not to say we haven't had ups and downs.

It's to say that the ups are higher and far more frequent than the downs - which fade from memory rather quickly.

Another reason I've been thinking about marriage is that between the two of us, we've had two brothers married in the last year and will have another brother and two sisters married before the next year is through.
Since we're one of the longest married couples among our siblings, I'm going to go ahead and take this opportunity to give out some advice.

Our [supposed] Keys to Marital Bliss

1) Ask God to bless it
Before I met my husband, I was over-committed to an unhealthy, ungodly relationship. I know a lot of people were praying for me, and I'm sure many of those prayers included hope for a future relationship that was healthy and God-honoring. I don't recommend this method, but I do recommend getting prayer support! After meeting my now-husband, I spent our entire dating relationship thanking God for bringing us together and asking him to help us keep Him at the center of our relationship. I pray less about that now than I used to - which I also don't recommend - but it is still something that I bring to God.
I believe a healthy marriage is centered on God. Prayer is part of that.

2) Seek to Serve, Not to Be Served
We went to a wedding the day before our wedding (keep reading for tips on keeping wedding planning from killing you). I remember more of their wedding sermon than our own (too many other things going through my mind - awkward, again. less awkward when i tell you that i was mostly wondering if the reception hall got set up okay without me there to micromanage). The main point of the sermon that day, was to do away with society's message that we should marry the person who will make us happy, and adopt a lifestyle of making the person we married happy.
We loved that and adopted it right away.
There's no better cure for feeling grumpy towards your spouse than to start thinking about how you can serve them rather than how they wronged you.

3) Be Honest, Not Bitter
An important lesson I've learned is that you need to admit to your spouse when they've hurt you. Yes, it hurts your pride to admit you hurt. Yes, it's hard to see them hurt because they hurt you. But it's a million times better than becoming bitter because they continue to hurt you because they don't know it's hurting you! End the vicious cycle.

4) Take Care of Conflict Quickly
This is similar to the previous point, but the importance here is on time. Don't wait too long to see if it blows over or if they'll notice and come to you for a change. If something is bothering you, or you think something might be bothering them - ADDRESS IT NOW. It's easier to move a pebble than a mountain. Don't let a mountain grow between you before you try to move it. The longer you wait, the more upset you get, the less likely you are to be able to address the issue in a healthy, loving way and the less likely it is to get resolved. And don't play mind games by making them guess what's wrong. Mind-reading is not a thing. Use "I" statements, share your perspective, respectfully ask for theirs, listen. Boom, conflict solved.

5) Set-up Your Rules and Fight Fair
I don't know what your rules are. I don't know that it matters what your rules are. But in the event that the previous 4 hints have not helped you to avoid an argument, it matters that you both know each other's rules for fighting fair. Here are mine:
Nobody sleeps on the couch.
Nobody walks out during an argument (at least not without an explanation).
Nobody yells.
One I've heard a lot of marriage counselors suggest: Don't use sex to solve an argument (I didn't want to list that as one of mine because then I'd have to write "awkward" for a third time).

There you have it. My top five hints. I could go on and on with more details, why I think these are important and why they work. But I'll let you get back to whatever other important things you were doing.

And if you want the REAL hints, schedule a get-together with my Grands.



**Bonus Material**

How to Plan Your Wedding Without Dying

Remember that the only thing that matters is that at the end of the day, you are married.
That's it.
The dress doesn't matter, the food doesn't matter, the music doesn't matter.
People won't be bothered for more than a few hours (days, at most). They won't even remember longer than a year or two (if that). But you will be married for a lifetime.
So don't burn bridges, don't sacrifice mental energy, don't sweat the small stuff.
Don't put yourself in debt!!
If all of that doesn't work, keep it simple, work ahead, and schedule other things for the few days before the wedding so that you get a break from the stress before the Big Day (we had family reunions and a friend's wedding and were able to be relaxed knowing everything was set).