What Not to Say to Parents with Multiple Kids (and a Suggestion for How to Respond if Someone Does Say it to You)

I love taking my kids grocery shopping. Ellie had taken to greeting strangers with "Hi (insert color of clothing) lady!" or "I love you, guy!" Something about being enclosed in a cart full of food made her feel bold. We had a few conversations about appropriate things to say to people, and now we pretty much just stick with "hi." Which is less colorful, but also less embarrassing. Simple. I like simple.

I am fairly certain that most people with mothers were taught Appropriate Things to Say to People. However, many of them forgot.

Here is a list of things people have actually, factually said to us when we're out and about minding our own business:

• Which aisle do they have the babies in? I'd like to get one of 'em!
• I won't eat you.
• Is the baby a boy? Oh you got lucky! Now you can quit.
• You've got your hands full!
• What good helpers you have!
• Don't you feel so rich?
• You've got three? You're so lucky!
• Got any kids?
• Are they all yours?
• Your kids are so cute!
• They grow up so fast.

Here's how I grade each comment:

• ✔ Which aisle do they have the babies in? I'd like to get one of 'em! (creepy, but sweet)
• ✖ I won't eat you. (?!?)
• ✖ Is the baby a boy? Oh you got lucky! Now you can quit. (Sexist. Don't tell me what I can do. If I have another baby, it'll be just to prove I wasn't trying for a boy.)
• ✖✖✖ You've got your hands full! (this is the most common. please, please, please think of something different to say!)
• ✔ What good helpers you have! (the positive version of the "hands full" comment. second most common)
• ✔ Don't you feel so rich? (sometimes. but I probably won't when I'm buying food for three teenagers :p) (super positive and affirming. Thank you!)
• ✔ You've got three? You're so lucky! (bless you, positive lady)
• ✖ Got any kids? (rude. but i appreciate the attempt at humor. still beats the "hands full" one)
• ✖ Are they all yours? (I get that you're curious. If you've gotta ask, at least add some encouragement on the end so it doesn't sound so judgey)
• ✔ Your kids are so cute! (Thanks, I agree!)
• ✔  They grow up so fast. (cliché, but positive and always a good reminder to be present)

I read a post the other day that got me thinking about how my kids feel when they're standing right beside me as I smile and nod at whoever is saying whatever they're saying about my kids. I like to ruffle as few feathers as possible - so if you tell me my hands are full, or I have too many kids, or my girls weren't enough but now that I have a boy I'm complete, I'm just going to smile and nod. I might not agree, but I don't know you and I don't really care what you think. I do, however, care what my kids think. And I care what they think I think.

I decided to think up a response to the most common and possibly least thought through comment people make regarding my kids. I don't get mad when people say it (I told you I like my feathers unruffled!), but I do roll my eyes - if for no other reason than that it's so unoriginal. Since coming up with my response, I am 0 for 1 in actually using it - it was windy and loud and my voice doesn't carry and I'm not in the habit of doing anything more than barely acknowledging that someone spoke!

The next time I hear, "You've got your hands full!" I hope to reply, "Not as full as my heart!"  

I'm pretty sure it will feel funny coming out of my mouth. I don't usually use the word "heart" unless I'm discussing the actual organ or the burn I get when I'm pregnant and ate too much; it's too touchy-feely. But I like this response because while it doesn't disagree with the premise, it does redirect it. They're not wrong; my hands ARE full and I DO feel overwhelmed a lot of the time. But my kids are more than an inconvenience and this quick retort speaks that truth.

literal full hands