Nothing can hurt me.

 My eyes popped open this morning in that awake sort of way in which you know you're not going back to sleep. I listened to the sound of Husband's breathing for a while as I contemplated how I wanted to start my morning. 

Exercise.
I know my body has been lacking movement and I've read it's helpful for ADHD brains.
Where? the basement.
When? before the kids get up. 

But it's warm in my bed, I argued with myself.
I could start my day lazily. I could lay here until someone whines at me to come downstairs.

No, I should exercise today. Since I woke up early.

Husband's alarm went off. The one that tells him to wake up and go out into the frosty air. The one that tells him to run from nothing but his warm bed. I will never understand that alarm.

Here's the curious part: I noticed myself consider getting up with him but deliberately decided to wait to get up until he was gone. Not just out of the room, but out of the house!

Why did I want him not to know that I was exercising?

He might talk me out of it.
He might tease me.
No he wouldn't. This feeling that I had to hide my desire from him did not make sense. 

It must be a learned automatic reaction.
As a child I hid everything I could. If my parents didn't know what mattered to me, they couldn't hurt me by taking those things away from me. 
"Parents wouldn't do that," you say?
Mine did. I remember them lamenting the fact that they couldn't "read" my youngest brother, didn't know what mattered to him. We tried taking away XYandZ but he doesn't care! 

Hurting us was how they controlled us.
I learned from my baby brother.
Being unknowable kept me safe. Hiding my thoughts and desires kept me safe.

But I don't need that coping skill anymore. Instead of keeping me safe, it's keeping me isolated and hurting my relationships.

What would happen if they took away something that was important to me? What would that something have been?

- puffy
- time with friends at youth group
- journals
- walks, bike rides alone
- the young ones I cared for

These were the things that kept me out of a depression. Some of these things, they did take away at times. That was hard. So I took it a step further and told myself I didn't need any of it. I would be fine without anything. I have no wants. No desires. This way, nothing can hurt me.

But it's not true. Deep down there are wants and desires. Without the ability to hear them, I have felt somewhat lost and alone in life without a guide. I leech off of others' wants and desires. That works well enough, but it's not the same thing, I don't think. But how would I know? Don't all wants and desires end up hollow and empty once you have the thing you thought you wanted?

I got out of bed and went downstairs to find my husband still in the house. I told him I was going to exercise too. He was supportive.
It is safe to share my desires with him.

And after the workout, I wasn't sure it was all it was cracked up to be. ;)