Grammy

When Gramps died almost two years ago, a friend sent me the following text:

“I’m sorry for the hole in your heart. Write down everything you can remember. Sometimes, the first month or so after someone leaves this world, it seems we can talk to them with our souls more easily. It doesn’t last, but it’s a precious window.”

I took her advice then and used it again last month when Grammy left this world. I don’t know how souls and spirits work, but I found that my friend was right - the memories flooded more easily to the surface and I felt especially close to her for a few weeks.

As I wrote down every single memory that came to mind, I noticed some strong themes: hosting, generosity, cross-cultural experiences, valuing relationships, making memories, teaching. All of these can be summed up by my favorite line in her obituary, “Harriet loved people.”

She loved the people she met while working at ATS. It would have been enough to help them find the books they were looking for, but she went above and beyond, inviting them home for dinner and hosting international students over holidays. We learned how to eat with chopsticks from her “Chinese son” Jirong Wu one Thanksgiving. We experienced authentic Indian curry and tabla music numerous times when Bijoy Roul came to visit. She introduced me to a girl my age from India whose parents were studying at ATS and I learned we have more in common than things that divide us. Grammy loved people and taught me to do the same.

Imagine how many faces of all different colors and sizes were softly cupped in her hand while she looked earnestly into their eyes, expressing sincere love. Even in the last weeks of her life, my aunt witnessed Grammy do this with one of the staff members that cared for her. At that point, she could not use words to express her love, but that same gesture of a cupped hand on a cheek and eye contact was a reflex for her after words had left her.
  

Grammy loved her neighbors. I remember Mr. Kline on Shady Lane who fed the squirrels out of his hand. And the Sinchok family down the street with 10 kids we got to play with. And Mrs. Hutchinson across the street on Junction Rd. who let us use her pool. And the lady who swept her driveway every day. And the retired police chief on the hill. And the Greek family who gave us free dessert when we came to their restaurant because they loved my grandparents so much. And Mr. Wise who walked his chocolate lab every morning. I'm sure she knew more, but those are the ones that stand out to me.

Grammy loved to make people feel comfortable. Whether in the library, at church, in the library at church, or in her home, she was aware of others and strived to welcome them warmly and meet their needs. I have Grammy’s book of visitors from 2002 - 2012 and my guess is that more of you that are reading this are listed in the book than are not! If you ever need to know, I can tell you when you visited and what she served you for dinner.
    Five rules of hosting I observed from watching Grammy: 

 (1) Prepare the space: make sure everyone will have a seat. This seems obvious, but seeing her count and recount the number of guests and chairs stands out to me. I know well, the special feeling of walking into her house with my Littles in tow and finding that she had been thinking of us and had gotten out their favorite toys and made up worksheets and activities. Guests can tell when they are wanted. Fresh flowers and a candle go a long way to say, "I'm glad you're here today!" 

 (2) If you hope they'll accept your invitation, insist, don’t ask: “you must stay for dinner!”, “have another slice,” “come sit down a while.” 

 (3) Verbalize how much you value your guest, repeatedly. 

 (4) When spreading butter or jam or egg salad on bread, make sure to stretch it to all the edges so each bite is as delicious as the next. 

(5) Always end with a sweet treat - you can have dessert after lunch too!  

Grammy loved making memories. She took us to exciting places like the Ashland County Fair, the zoo, Sea World, Cedar Pointe, and Colonial Williamsburg. She traveled the world and recorded it all in the albums. But the memories I hold most dear are things of the every day variety.
In 2008 when Gramps was leading a Collaboratory site team in Zambia, I stayed with Grammy, who hated to be alone. One of the memories that stands out the most from those weeks was mowing the lawn together. Grammy insisted we take turns. While I took the first turn, she dragged out a beach chair, a tray table, two glasses of mint iced tea, and the day’s Sudoku puzzle from the Patriot News (we’d long since given up on the New York Times crossword puzzle without Gramps there to help us). Whoever wasn’t mowing was sitting in the shade sipping tea and working the Sudoku puzzle. At 17 years old, it would have been much faster for me to mow the whole yard by myself, but I wouldn’t have remembered that a bit. Grammy had a way of making every day “work” enjoyable.

Grammy and Os on the Messiah Lifeways Shuttle - an unremarkable event which Grammy made as fun as a theme park ride. My kids still talk about shuttle rides in hushed, dreamy voices.

Grammy loved to teach. She was always making us little worksheets to do in the backseat of the Buick on a long drive to OH or in the front pew at Ashland BIC. I was delighted that she continued this tradition with my own children. "Children thrive on repetition," she told me, "They need it! It comforts them." She was a patient and kind teacher, making corrections gently. The Swing by Robert Louis Stevenson was the first poem I learned, simply by her reciting it so frequently. I dearly loved listening to her read other poems from the Poetry book she assembled as a class project in college. I’ll never forget how I beamed when she marveled at my good cadence for reading poetry. Grammy was good at marveling in a way that inspired. She taught me many things in the kitchen (how to make granola, homemade bread, applesauce, jams, chicken alfredo, etc.). But my favorite lesson I learned from Grammy was to always hold the hand of your special someone; even if you’re upset with them–especially if you’re upset with them!

 

Grammy was generous. I know she was generous with others, but she did it privately so that I only know the ways she was generous with me. She delighted in taking her grandkids shopping for countless new shoes, coats, Easter outfits, back to school outfits. She paid for piano lessons, senior pictures, offered to cover expensive medical bills, and travel fees. She paid for family dinners out and more than her share of shared beach houses. She was generous with her time and her affection too. She was present. She verbalized appreciation, pride, and love often.

Grammy enjoyed pretty things. She lived simply, but kept her décor updated. Her house wasn't cluttered ("a place for everything and everything in its place" was a motto she lived by), but she enjoyed the significant mementos and knickknacks she kept which reminded her of people or trips. She cared about appearances, but not more than she cared about people. I remember one year she took me to have my school picture redone with a more flattering hair-style than a pony tail which hadn't photographed well. She often curled my hair, which wasn't important to me, but did make me feel special and valuable - like I was worth the time and effort.

Grammy enjoyed a good laugh. She was one of the more proper people I knew, but she enjoyed a good practical joke too! She would do snarky things like mail you the score from the Rook game she beat you at. One day, while reading through notes written in her old yearbooks, I learned that she had apparently been somewhat of a mischievous prankster in college! I will always want more details about that. When I asked her about it, her eyes twinkled as she claimed she had no idea what her friend, Ellie Miller(!) had been referring to in that note.

I am blessed to have numerous reminders of Grammy at my house and in my heart - her blender, her desk, her dining set, etc. All of them point to special memories in which I felt safe and loved and wanted and special. Grammy was good at making most everyone she came into contact feel that way - she would even greet passers by with a sing-song, "hallo" and sometimes a question or two about what they were up to. The day she died, a cold front swept in despite it being the middle of August. It felt the most appropriate thing to me, since the world had just lost one of the warmest people I knew. I hope I can be like her one day. What a gift.