You know in movies or news reports when it says the victim refused to testify? I used to hate that! But I totally get it now. Half the time, I wish I had made that choice.
People say, "Wow. You're so brave."
But here, "brave" means "stupid," like it so often does.
Brave would have been picking up and moving away and starting over where I didn't have to think about them or face them ever again.
Stupid was spending 2 years of my life answering questions and marinating in my abuse for everybody who couldn't wrap their head around it any faster.
Thank GOD they did finally wrap their heads around it and take action or I would have truly been sunk.
They don't tell you that there's no relief after it's over.
The guy got fired and now everybody knows, but I'm still here wailing. Hating myself for hurting my abusers? Hating myself for hating myself. Hating myself for any shred of similarity between myself and them. Hating everything. Anger. So much Anger. I forgave them, but I'm still so angry inside. Did I do the right thing? I don't believe myself. Will I ever heal? Healing is HARD. I think I'm done. I think I was a better human before I started healing. Facing it like this borders on self-harm. I don't recommend it to anyone.
And yet, I'm being called to the ring for round two.
And like a stupid sucker, I'm showing up again.
My punishment for doing this to myself again looks like texting my husband an SOS while he's at work and crying into his chest only to realize that absolutely nothing abnormal happened today and I should be able to cope with it all so that he can be at work doing his job and not babysitting his wife. He would never say that. He would say, "Thank you so much for letting me help you today." I don't deserve him. And he doesn't deserve the drama of these last 3 years. ridiculous.
There has got to be another way.
LORD, help us.
I can't.
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