Step 1: Research complex PTSD.
Key concepts to know: emotional flashback, sense of self, triggers, hypervigilance, hyper-independence, fight/flight/freeze/fawn response, brain changes (cPTSD makes us neurodivergent by nurture/environment so researching neurodivergence is a good idea too).
Remember: There are as many ways symptoms are expressed as there are people affected. An open and ongoing dialogue about how cPTSD affects your partner's day to day life is a good idea. But it may take them a while to know how to start sharing that with you.
Consider: Do the work yourself as much as possible so that when they start sharing with you, they don't have to stop to give you a summary of the research and explanation of why this is happening. Having to defend yourself is exhausting. Expecting your partner to educate you is overburdening them. If you can say an honest, "that makes sense" and help them categorize it as a normal symptom, it will help them feel safe and understood and make it easier for them to share again.
Step 2: Consider your partner's trauma history and make a list of potential triggers. Ask your partner what they would add to the list. Memorize this list.
Remember: with complex PTSD, the traumatic event was ongoing over a long period of time. There are likely triggers the victim isn't even aware of in their conscious mind. But if you know some of the big ones, you'll be able to help them understand where their big reaction is coming from, have extra sensitivity without it having to be explained to you first, and be ready to help them come out of an emotional flashback if necessary.
Consider: working out a (verbal or nonverbal) cue your partner can give you when they're triggered. But remember that if they are in the freeze response, they may be physically unable to use the cue.
Step 3: Research attachment styles. Self-diagnose your own attachment style. Research how to move toward a secure attachment style and take steps to do so.
Remember: Your partner is responsible for their own healing. AND as their partner, you have the opportunity to play a lead role in their healing journey. Building a secure attachment will help more than you can imagine. It will feel like a soothing balm to your traumatized partner.
Consider: you're going for interdependence not codependence! That's worth looking up to make sure you know the difference!
Step 4: It's all in the repair. You will mess up. You will not be the perfect partner. This is to be expected. Forgive yourself. Be gentle with yourself. And tell your partner (1) you know what you did and (2) your plan for next time. "I'm sorry you felt that way" is not an apology or a repair.
Remember: your partner may have experienced gaslighting and may have trouble trusting themselves. You confirming that you messed up and didn't handle the situation the way you wish you would have is SO important. It may seem so obvious that you don't think you need to say it, and yet, saying it will make all the difference.
Consider: Tiffs that happen in a normal, healthy relationship may smell like abuse to someone with cPTSD. This can be extremely terrifying. Taking responsibility for your part and acknowledging it aloud will build trust and safety.
Step 5: Know how to help them come out of an emotional flashback. This probably should have been step 1. Hopefully as part of their healing, they are learning how to calm themselves. But often the most effective way to healing is to be calmed by a safe person in our lives.
Remember: You need to be able to regulate your own emotions to keep the calm so your partner can coregulate with you. Take a break if you need to reclaim your calm, but express what is happening so your partner doesn't feel abandoned. Practicing your own regulation and/or mindfulness techniques would really be next level.
Consider: Research some common calming techniques - deep pressure, tapping, slow breathing, body scan, etc. and ask your partner which ones they prefer. To REALLY level up: Practice coregulating when both partners are calm.
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