Funnily enough, I just had a twinge of jealousy last night when Husband said, "I'm going to go lay down."
Wait. You're allowed to do that?
I guess you're allowed to do that.
Am I allowed to do that?
It's good that he can say what he needs and take it for himself. Right?
What if it inconveniences me and the kids?
Does it inconvenience me and the kids?*
If it did, can he still do it?
How bad does he need to lay down to be allowed to lay down?
Can I always go lay down?
Do I want to go lay down?
Yes. I always want to go lay down.
I also always want to be meeting my kids' needs and being a present, engaged parent.
How do I know which need is the biggest in this moment?
How do I know if my need to lay down is bigger than my kids' need to connect?
I guess if they needed to connect, we could do that in my bed while I'm laying down?
And if they would rather play, then their need to connect isn't the biggest?
What if they don't know which of their needs is the biggest so they go play and then get dysregulated because they actually needed to connect? 🥺
*Wait. He didn't put the food away or even clear his dishes first. Now I have to. Even though I already made the food and set the table. I don't want to. I want to be done working in the kitchen for today. But I also don't want the food to spoil.
My hidden longing was definitely to be able to know my needs and share my needs and meet my own needs or let others meet them even if it's inconvenient. To take up space. To be unproductive.
For the record, Husband rarely does this. He did this when he was training for a marathon. That was the first time I realized that I can prioritize my health/fitness or any goal/dream I have, for that matter. I began working out most mornings then and have continued it for the past year and a half. I also prioritized therapy. Things related to health felt like an easy first step because I could make the argument that keeping myself healthy was helping the whole family. But I would like to get to the point where my desires are as worthy as everyone else's too. What other goals might I want to pursue?
- learning dances to songs (currently working on the kpop soda pop one)
- puzzling
- writing
- improving my Spanish
- reading a book (The Book Thief)
- refinishing a piece of furniture
- hiking
- meditation
- photography?? (probs not. but it used to be an interest, so it was worth noting)
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