self-gaslighting

I know writing is therapeutic for me, but I don't know what I want to write about.

I know what I want to write about, but I don't know if I'm allowed to let anybody read it.

And if nobody can read it, what is the point?

The point is, I believe myself when I write. I don't believe myself when I talk. I don't believe myself when I think. But when I write, I "get my genius out before I can tell myself I'm stupid" (prof Mary at HACC English 101 in 2009). 

It's called self gas-lighting--telling yourself you don't feel what you feel or think what you think. That's a new term for me this year. 

Maybe I have a lot of natural self-doubt. But maybe I gas-light myself so much because I was gas lighted as a child. I was taught to listen to others' perspectives and not my own.

Even now, I'm telling myself, "stop writing. this is going to upset you. this is boring. you're not even sure this is true. you still think there's a chance your mom is not so bad and you've made her into the big bad wolf with your thoughts you're letting yourself listen to now. if you would just keep listening to other people's perspectives, you'd see that she loves you and is a great mom." 

NOPE.
you went too far, gas-lighting-self. I was almost believing you, but she's not a great mom and no one can argue that she is.

"she'd do anything for you. she'd drop everything and come over if you called right now."

would she though? wouldn't she be too sick? wouldn't she be asleep and not even answer the phone? wouldn't she already be at Alyssa or Jonathan's houses helping them? she'll come when it's convenient for her.

"ok, maybe. but wouldn't anyone?"

yes. dropping everything and being available is not what makes a great mom.

"then what is?"

loving your kid. for who they are, not who you think they are. not who you want them to be. listening. caring. being kind. being involved without needing a personal invitation. allowing space.

"now you're contradicting yourself. does a great mom get involved or give space? which is it? you can't have it both ways."

that's just it. a good mom is paying attention and asking questions and listening to the answers. a good mom is reading signals and picking up cues. a good mom is putting her kid first. 

"ooo. is it though? doesn't Dr. Becky say you need to take care of yourself first? so you have enough to give to your kid? aren't you mad at your mom for not taking better care of herself?"

yes. ugh. I don't know what a good mom is, okay?

"what kind of mom do you try to be for your kids?"

I try to be available if they want me. I try to make sure they know I love them no matter what they do. I spend time with them and let them teach me about themselves. I help them when they need it and teach them how to help themselves so they won't always need me. I care about how they feel.

"Does your mom do those things?"

She doesn't let me teach her about myself. She tries to teach me about myself. She tells me who to be and what to do. And she wants me to always need her. She only cares how I feel about her - how I feel about anything else is unimportant or up for discussion. 

"That sounds like a hard person to have a close relationship with."
You're telling me! Hey! We agree!

Welcome to my brain and why I'm so tired and confused all the time and never know what I want.