Growing up, I saw my mom feeling heartbroken and misunderstood over and over again. People would accuse her of things she didn't intend to do and she would cry over how her actions were misinterpreted. She would call out to her God, who sees her and knows her, and ask Him to comfort her and show her accusers the truth.
I felt sorry for her. I could usually understand why she did what she did while I also understood why others' interpreted it the way they did. It was impossible to know who was right. My brain often sided with others while my heart sided with my mom.
She interpreted their bad judgement of her as their own sin, inability to love, refusal to surrender, or lack of faith or closeness to the Spirit of her God. Since their perspectives made sense to me, I worried what that meant about my spirituality. Was I not as close to her God as she was? Did that mean I wasn't a believer at all? What were the eternal consequences of this? How could I trust and know her God more so that I didn't misjudge her too?
Now I have gone beyond understanding her accusers to being one of the people who have misunderstood her and broken her heart. I struggle with wondering if I am wrong in my interpretations of her actions. Her God always seemed to be on her side, so surely He still is now.
No wonder I have felt that God is disappointed with me during this process of speaking truth! Perhaps my God is different from her God? But we both claim to believe in the One True God revealed through Scripture. Perhaps she has presented a warped view of the One True God to me.
Only God - I Am who I Am - can reveal themselves to me in Truth (Jesus). And Jesus told his followers that he would send the Spirit to reveal themselves further and more consistently. I've always believed that my mom had the Spirit and knew the Spirit and acted in step with the Spirit. But what if that's not true? What if she labeled a different inner voice Spirit? Hypersensitivity. Anxiety. Any Protector part. God if she can mislabel a wounded voice as yours, any of us can. This personal Spirit you gave each of us seems like a bad model. Has our culture over-personalized something that was never meant to be used that way? Probably.
Who are you, God?
Thanks for doing my homework for me, Perplexity.
Elohim - Creator - powerful, Mighty Sustainer
El Shaddai - God Almighty - power to fulfil promises
Yahweh - I AM, the Lord - presence, faithfulness, personal
Ehyeh Asher Ehyeh - I AM THAT I AM - unchanging existence, timeless (Moses)El Roi - The God who Sees - compassionate awareness (Hagar)
El Gibhor - Mighty God - warrior and protector (Messianic prophesies)
Adoni - Lord, Master - authority and relational Guide
El Elyon - Most High God - Supreme against all powers
Jehova Jireh - God will Provide - guidance, care, protection (Psalms 23)
Immanuel - God with us - presence
Abba - Father - intimacy, love, personal care
Jehova Shalom - The Lord is Peace - peace-giving nature
Jehova Rapha - The Lord Heals - healing power
I can see God at work over these past 2 years and am trying to believe that Their involvement signals Their support. But this list is not different from the God my mother taught me and while speaking truth has brought healing and peace to me, I'm assuming it's brought heartache and shame to her.
I know God is near to the brokenhearted.
- But I see my mom, not myself, as the brokenhearted.
I know God hates abuse.
-But I see my mom, not myself, as the one who was abused. She claimed she broke the cycle because she treated us better than she was treated. She only ever wanted to love us well, not hurt us. How could God hate that?
I know God is Light and Truth.
-But what is true feels like a matter of perspective.
I believe that God cares for me, but what I labeled "care" in childhood was actually abuse, so I'm not sure I know what "God cares for me" even means. I am trying to believe that God is proud of me. I am trying to believe that God wanted my parents' abuse brought out into the light. I believe I've been following God throughout this process, but so many people who claimed the same have committed horrible atrocities, so it gives me little comfort.
My mom used to tell us that she has been begging God to take her bad temper away from her but that He won't do it. From this, I understood that God wanted her to be angry. When she got angry, I got hurt, so I unknowingly adopted the belief that sometimes God wants me to be hurt.
My mom told me she used to want to be a perfect mom, but God told her that if she were perfect, her kids wouldn't need Him. So her hurting us was helping us to need God. Again, we need to be hurt; God wants us to be hurt.
My brain knows this isn't true. We would need God even if we had perfect parents because we live in an imperfect world. If my mom were perfect, she would BE God. And I would need her. But my body and my heart don't know it isn't true. My body and my heart are so confused about what God wants for me.
Since God has been used to justify abuse, of course I am hesitant to feel His loving support in exposing abuse. Exposing abuse feels like it's saying I don't need God. And even still, I did it. How? Because even thought I didn't know it, God was empowering me. Because God is present with me. God guides me. God brings peace. God heals and restores. God protects. God is mighty and they keep their promises.
God will deal with my parents - Father, forgive them, for they don't know what they're doing. He will be their Guide, Mighty Protector, and Healer too.
- I saw God in Naomi when she responded graciously to my honesty and encouraged my idea to meet with Faithe.
- God spoke to Faithe multiple times with ideas that lead to progress. God's faithfulness was exemplified in Faithe's faithfulness to reach out and get together and pray and text words of encouragement over and over again for years.
- God was in the discipleship group as truth was shared and we learned to be vulnerable with each other.
- God opened Rachel Pease's ears to hear and gave her the courage to act.
- God empowered me to be brave in conversations, letters, prayer requests, and meetings. It couldn't have been my own strength.
- God provided a group of women who loved and supported me and God made the connection for me that their love was God's love.
- God moved Leadership Council to be in agreement on how to respond.
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