Dear Rachel of 2023:

Dear Rachel of 2023:

Your mind is constantly swirling and spiraling, trying desperately to discern what is true. This is what coming out of 30 years of denial feels like. You aren't sure you can bear the truth so you tell yourself you've got it wrong. Dear girl, this is bordering on self-harm. I am so proud of you for getting help. You reached out to people you trust, professionals, and God themselves. 

You're going to be okay.
You're going to make it through.
You're going to heal.
You're going to know safety. 

Right now you're afraid to ask for what you need. You were taught that needing anything is dangerous. Expressing needs was worse. Take care of your needs quietly without inconveniencing anyone is a mantra you live by unknowingly. You're going to unlearn that; it's going to be hard. Along the way, you're going to learn a new truth that feels harder: safe people appreciate knowing your needs. Healthy people are generally happy to accommodate the needs of others. Some day, this will be so obvious that you won't remember why you didn't always know this. It will feel like a warm blanket rather than a threat. You've survived by altering your reality; this shift doesn't allow you to do that. This new truth feels like surrendering control. It's worth it. 

You're going to be sharing a lot of needs with a lot of people over the next two years. Some of them will be eager to help and support you (surround yourself with these people), others will be slow to get on board (have patience, but guard your energy), some will fight you and blame you for having needs (give them a wide berth). Their reaction to your expression of need says more about them than it does about you. I know you don't believe me. You look to others to validate your reality because your caretakers denied your reality your whole life. You had to abandon yourself to trust them. The next few years are about your journey back to yourself.

I've been keeping it general, but let's get specific for a minute:

You just whispered to your pastor that you need your mom to be told she can't come to church and your dad to be off church staff. He's not going to hear you. You're going to assume that means it was an inappropriate need. This month, leadership council asked your dad to resign. Your mom was asked to stay away months ago. It was never an inappropriate request, but if I'm honest, I (like you) still have my doubts. I hope that Rachel from 2027 is more confident than me just as I am more confident than you.

I know how much you're hurting. I know how impossible the situation feels. I just needed to tell you that it gets better. And I needed you to know that you're not wrong for asking. Your needs are valid. You will find safe people to respect and protect you. Your husband is one of the safe people, but there's a chunk of time when you won't be sure. Hang on through the night; daybreak is coming.