Compliance and Me

I have this part of me that rails against authority. Especially unjust rules. But really anyone trying to tell me to do anything and sitting there watching me to make sure I comply. That gets my fight on. Usually I'm more of a freeze or fawn girl, but I will fight for autonomy and justice.

Maybe I'm a PDA'er?
Currently doing a lot of research about Pervasive Drive for Autonomy (or Pathological Demand Avoidance) because one of our kids would rather not eat lunch than eat food that was in the same bag as food they did not approve in their lunchbox. And other similar outbursts related to being bossed around.

But if this isn't neurologically built into my brain's way of functioning, where might I have learned this reaction? When did it serve me? How did I learn it?

I watched my mom disrespect authority growing up. She thought stores owed her free stuff or special deals so she'd argue for hours over whether she got the coupon price or not. We'd stand there, embarrassed at her behavior and sorry for the confusion and frustration of the employees she dealt with. Or she'd send us off to find something in the store so we wouldn't witness her outright, boldfaced lies to cheat the system. Because of this common occurrence throughout my childhood, part of me believes that cheating the system in this way doesn't really hurt anyone and that it's the deserved punishment of stores for their overpriced items. Until this year, we had never paid for a TV/movie subscription service. And yet we've watched 100s of shows and movies mostly without ads! It feels like I deserve to watch them for free. And I know I'm wrong but it feels like nobody is getting hurt.

And yet, she would drill it into our heads that we MUST OBEY HER EVERY COMMAND WITHOUT QUESTION. I once asked her what I should do if she orders me to do something I know is wrong. Her answer? Do it. She would be held responsible by God and I would be off the hook because my job is to obey my parents. So if I refused to do it, even if it were a terrible thing, I would be in the wrong and punishable. "Even if you tell me to kill someone?!?" I couldn't believe she was right. "Even then," she said. Well I just knew that was ridiculous and I decided then and there that I'd rather be punished for not obeying than murder someone. 

So why is autonomy so important to me? Perhaps because I know the pain of being erased? I abandon my needs so well that I don't even know what my needs are much of the time. Even physical needs like hydrating or using the bathroom are put aside as long as possible. I used to think I had ADHD because I don't notice body cues. Now I'm wondering if it's not cPTSD causing those behaviors instead. I was forced to hold my pee for hours on long car trips and shamed if spoke up to say that I couldn't keep holding it. I was too afraid of getting in trouble to dare to shift in my seat to relieve muscle spasms or tingling during the hour of sitting in hard pews every Sunday morning. I even learned to count to 100 before scratching an itch because it often goes away if you can distract yourself. That felt safer than daring to move when my mother was mad. I saw my brother get beaten over and over again for not being able to sit still. Expressing physical needs was so dangerous that I taught myself not to have any. Emotional needs? I can only acknowledge those exist because I see it in my children. 

My children have taught me that it is human to need to feel loved, wanted, accepted, enjoyed, and heard. This doesn't make you bad or selfish or arrogant or needy. But my body remembers differently. I can think of exactly ONE time that I expressed fear and it was taken seriously and acted upon. I don't even remember any loving kindness, but they took it seriously which was such a relief. Every other time I was ignored or told to get over it, that I was being ridiculous. I learned that the best way to be wanted was to be useful. So I became as helpful as I knew how to be - tidying, washing dishes, caring for siblings, making meals, cleaning bathrooms, etc. I didn't understand why my siblings didn't also do this so I tried to at least remind them when they were missing the mark before they got in actual trouble with our out of control parents. This earned me the nickname "policewoman." 

I wish I could cuddle that little Rachey and whisper in her ear, "I want you here even if you make a mess every day and never clean it up. I adore you no matter how you behave. I love you no matter what. You don't have to earn my attention or my love or my joy. I want to know what's important to you, what brings you joy, and what you need. I'm listening!"

So I guess that's where my hatred of compliance comes in. I refuse to continue believing that compliance is mandatory for love. Obedience doesn't come before positive regard. Following orders is not required to be considered a valuable human.

That's why you'll not see me forcing my kids to comply. Except for seatbelts and teeth brushing and not harming their siblings. But it will be ever so gentle and I will do the heavy lifting (aka crawling into the backseat to click the buckle and bringing the toothbrush and spit cup to their bed). They may feel forced to comply (because the option of staying home alone at 5 years old while the family goes out is not a real option), but it won't be because I yelled and screamed and told them what terrible sinners they are. It will be because underneath it all, they respect me and want to be around me even if they disagree about safety procedures or the day's activities. 

But will that teach them what I want to teach them? That they are loved and valued and wanted and listened to no matter what. That they can think and decide for themselves. Or will it teach them to avoid hard work, take advantage of others, and refuse to follow society's rules? 

That remains to be seen. I'm sure they'll have critiques for me about ways I could have been a better mom. I'm open to hearing them. I acknowledge that much of my parenting of them is reparenting myself. They don't need it as much as I do.

I just can't stomach forcing a kid to be compliant. To obey first and think second. It's harmful and dangerous. And convenient...
Holding boundaries is important. Teaching them to respect others' boundaries is essential. I could do a better job at both of those things. But holding boundaries is about me doing what I say I will do. It requires no action on their part. "If you don't buckle your own seatbelt, I will come back there and do it for you." That's holding a boundary. "I won't continue driving if people are yelling or fighting." That's holding a boundary. It's inconvenient...

"But can't you love your kids first and ask obedience of them second?" I hear husband asking.
Maybe you can. I can't.
Because I can't understand the why.
I love you no matter what. And you need to obey me when I tell you to clear you dishes.
Why?
...because if you don't, I'll get mad? (so you only love me if I obey...)
...because I said to and I control the food in the house so you have to keep me happy?
...because I don't want to live in a messy house. (then YOU clear the dishes)
...because I pay for this house and I get to make the rules. (but you can't kick me out of the house so I don't really have to follow them)

There's just no good why!
If you want the dishes cleared off the table after every meal then you're going to have to decide what YOU'RE going to do about it. Are you going to wait to serve the next meal until the dishes from the last meal are cleared? Are you going serve the next meal on the dirty plate still sitting there? Are you going to refuse to wash the dishes unless they're brought to the sink even if that means we run out of clean dishes? Are you going to refuse to do the family activity until the family has cleaned up together? Are you going to give dessert only to people who cleared their dishes?

Those are all actions you can choose to do that do not require forced compliance. I'm all for co-operation. I am all against forced compliance.